I'm already at my 2nd semester. But I've been slacking. Missing some classes as well as assignments. My usual cycle has returned. Kitaran hangat-hangat tahi ayam. But I am determined not to let this consume me. Kalau dulu, I waited till the very last minute to tell my parents or my lecturers my problems. But that's when it's just too late to catch up.
One assignment in particular, I was supposedly to submit 2 weeks ago. But I didn't. I couldn't. I tried, but failed. The mental block, frozen in front of the screen, arranging words, trying to type out letters to make sentences in Microsoft Word just did not happen. I just couldn't at all figure out what to write. I tried reading over and over the text, but my brain could just not compute. Totally brain dead.
So last week I gathered all the strength I had left and met up with my lecturers and let it all out, told my lecturers my issues that I have been battling. My worries are, I am unable to maintain my GPA last semester. But after talking to my lecturer and reading an ebook I purchased by Leo Babauta on "Un-Procrastination", I realized my problem. All I had was 'fear'. Fear of the unknown, of the future, fear of failure, even though I have just started.
This just messes up my mind, putting too much pressure for me to handle. It's fine setting high goals, but it's not when it starts worrying you that you won't be able to achieve those goals. My brain is too occupied thinking of 'what might/might not happen if so.. and so..' when all I have to do is just do. And do the best that I can and stop worrying of trying to make it perfect.
I'm glad and relieved to have spoken to them. And I am even more relieved and thankful that they are extremely understanding. I am now motivated again, and I hopefully won't relapse back into my negative state of mind.
{ANNA}
